More Than A Number
I battled with an eating disorder for 14+ years of my life. So, when I became pregnant, I was really worried about how I was going to handle the changes my body was going to endure. Changes that I knew I would have very little control over. Since I was 14, I let the number on the scale tell me whether or not it was ok to be happy that day.
Up until about week 17 I was super uncomfortable in my new and growing body. Dressing my bump would cause me anxiety. AND THEN I would feel guilty for not being so in love with my bump like I thought I should be.
I stood in front of the mirror and took my weekly bump picture. I remember looking at it and feeling so disheartened and unattractive. I let myself dive into that self-shaming place. I may have even called Brian at work crying. But then, just as I was about to send it to my family – I felt a flutter, butterflies flying around my belly. The first kicks.
Everything shifted.
This was so much bigger than me.
This was so much bigger than the number on the scale.
I was nourishing, growing, and sustaining a life.
Week 39 rolls around, I was 40lbs heavier, super pregnant and really ready to not be pregnant anymore. I labored for 6 days and ended up needing to go on Pitocin. I was exhausted. But my body knew exactly what it needed to do. My body knew the timing of everything and I had no other choice but to trust that. My body knew when our sweet little boy needed to come out and pushed for 20 minutes and delivered our son. A perfect, healthy, beautiful, baby boy.
Then began the journey of breastfeeding. It wasn’t easy. It took time, tears, and trips to a lactation consultant to figure out. But, my body did. My body has been able to feed our son for the past 11 months.
Last Saturday, Brian and I ran a half marathon. Something I didn’t think was going to be possible less than a year after having a baby. But I did it. My body did it.
The body I once saw as a number and flaws – I now see as a beautiful home. I have never felt more comfortable in my skin. When speaking to others about my history and sharing my past I often get the question, “do you still struggle with an eating disorder” or “has it been difficult to get your body back after delivery”?
I am SO proud to say that, NO I do not struggle with an eating disorder. For the first time in 20 years I am extremely happy with the way I look, feel, and I am more in love with my body than I have ever been before. I now see my body as an extremely powerful and amazing vessel. My body has endured a ton and I couldn’t be prouder of the body I live in.
To those who ask about “getting your body back” – I NEVER LOST MY BODY. Plain and simple. My body may have looked different for 10+ months. My body may have changed shape and size multiple times through pregnancy and postpartum, but it was never lost.
Mamas, just a little reminder that YOU and YOUR BODY are AMAZING! Sometimes it’s hard to really see and believe that because we are knee deep in motherhood. But take a minute and let yourself feel how beautiful, incredible, and strong you and your body are!
Hidden Blessing: Body image issues are exhausting and such a struggle. BUT the work I have done to love myself and the therapy I have gone through has allowed me really see myself in a different light. Every day I spend a minute or two looking in the mirror admiring my body and loving what I see. It is my way of loving the instrument that has allowed me to do so much in my life; the greatest bringing my son into the world.